The below is a collection of two stories I wrote on two very different satire topics. The first is about non-conformity (or maybe conformity) and the second is about reality TV.
I hope that these two satire topics give you a little reprieve from your day-to-day. They'll make you laugh (hopefully), and then they'll make you cry when you realize that the state of the world is just one big satire.
Enjoy, and keep smiling! The world is a funny place...
Hello to all you non-conformists; you beanie wearers, you multi-colored jeans owners, you lack of shower takers. Hello to you all - champions of the counter culture, torch bearers of individuality, believers in deep-rooted principles.
As you read this article while sitting in your local independent coffee shop, wearing your 1969 Pink Floyd concert tee (how was that concert, by the way?), listening to a band that you will most surely hate as soon as someone else knows about them, you should ask yourself - why did I walk by six Starbucks in order to get here?
Because screw the man! You will take your dollar fifty and walk three miles uphill (both ways) in order to support a local business, thank you very much.
Forget the fact that Starbucks' stock price will fall 0% because of your decision, and that the independent business you are supporting will gladly take your money until they can be bought out by a corporation like Starbucks; it's the principle baby! Stick it to the man! Occupy Wall Street! How about you occupy a classroom, so you can begin to understand what the hell you are even trying to rebel against?
In today's world, people have forgotten what it means to be an individual, or why they even rebel against certain issues. Individuality has become a fad, and rebellion has become the new thing to do on a Friday night.
Instead of being truly oneself (which is literally being an individual - there is only one of you), one looks at an individual - a non-conformist - and says, "look at that guy's unique style, I want to be just like him!" Well, chances are that he got that unique style from someone else's unique style, and pretty soon that style isn't so unique. Without knowing it, you just non-conformed your way to conformity.
I hope at this point your head isn't starting to spin. If non-conforming is conforming, then is up now down? Is left now right?
Well, I do know one thing for sure. Former conformists are now the non-conformists. In a world where everyone is trying hard not to conform by dying their hair, ripping their jeans, wearing cheap Ray Bans, and donning loose beanies, it is the clean cut individual who has become the non-conformist.
So keep rebelling, all you clean shaven, shoe wearing, job working people; stick it to the mainstream, non-conformist, hipster man.
And now that I think about it, keep rebelling too, all you tight shirt owning, sandal wearing, independent-coffee drinking individuals. The bottom line is that it's OK to conform a little bit, as long as you stay true to yourself. I mean, there are Starbucks in Berkeley.
What do you think about the first of our two satire topics? Not sure, well, here's one more for you...
One of the greatest ongoing debates amongst the people of this world is the debate over whether or not intelligent life exists in our universe. I am hesitant to include our own species in the category of intelligent life because the jury is still out on that one, so I will acknowledge the debate in its broadest sense - whether or not intelligent life exists at all.
I know one thing, the debate is moot. The most likely way one intelligent species will detect another intelligent species is by picking up on its radio waves and satellite transmissions, which means our ambassadors to otherworldly creatures have been shows like Two Broke Girls, Bridezillas, Pregnant in Heels, and The Real Housewives of (enter city here). Any intelligent life that possesses the capability to detect us has long since been scared off by now.
Which is probably a good thing, since we have a long way to go before we can consider ourselves "intelligent." Fueled by the desire to escape our own lives, we love to watch television shows about things we will never do, places we will never go, and possessions we will never own.
So thank you Bravo Network, for showing us houses on Million Dollar Listings that we will never own. Thank you for teaching us that it's better to marry someone who loves you until you make enough money to re-marry someone who's hot. And most importantly, thank you for shows like America's Next Top Model, that make us feel so self-conscious about our bodies we end up eating everything that's made on shows like Top Chef - out of pure self-loathing (flawless business model).
Thank you, MTV, for promoting socially insightful music and mood-changing art. Oh wait, that hasn't happened since the early 1990's. Thank you, then, for The Jersey Shore, The Real World, and Road Rules. Without them, I would have no idea how to conduct myself like a maturing adult.
Finally, a big thank you to Fox, CBS, NBC, and the rest of the major television networks; you have successfully monopolized human idiocy. By popularizing the reality TV show, you have distorted how we view our own lives. Reality TV? What the hell kind of reality do we live in, then?
Oh, before I go, what network is responsible for TMZ? I wanted to thank them as well, but all I can bring myself to write is: screw you; you embody everything that is wrong with the world. And that's all I have to say about that.
And now how about the combination of both satire topics? Makes you want to laugh (and cry), huh? Let me know in the comments section below! Any other satire topics you'd like to hear about?